A sermon by Rev. Michael Gladish
Pittsburgh, October 18th, 2020
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’” – Matthew 18:15-16
Maybe you’ve heard the expression, “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s a catchy phrase and it seems like a reasonable concept, but think about it. If I made a true but critical comment to someone without regard to their feelings about it, would that be none of my business? Or if a woman were to dress in a revealing or suggestive manner in a gathering of men, would their responses be none of her business? What if I paid what to me was a genuine compliment to someone in a way that the other person considered to be flirting, or even harassment? Would that be none of my business? Finally, if I said something clever, or even brilliant, and someone misunderstood me, would that be none of my business? What do you think?
The question raises all sorts of issues about personal responsibility, judgment, ethics, decorum, psychology, communication, and, yes, plain old hypocrisy! In short, it’s complicated!
Certainly, we know that our intentions are critical in any evaluation of our spiritual states – which is why it’s so hard for us to make authentic judgments about other people’s spiritual states. Even in civil law motives are considered important, and can seriously affect the judgments in a court of law. For example, first degree murder is homicide committed with intent, and may result in life imprisonment, whereas second or third-degree murder may be accidental, and may result in a much lighter sentence, or even a judgment of innocence.
On the other hand, people with really good intentions can do a lot of harm. For example, as is illustrated in a couple of stories in the Word, a man may be cutting wood with an axe only to have the axe head fly off the handle and kill somebody. The intention is good and useful, but the lack of appropriate caution has a devastating effect. Again, many books have been written recently about intentional and unintentional, systemic racism in our country. Like it or not, the lack of real, personal awareness of how our speech and actions can affect people coming from different racial or cultural backgrounds can be hurtful and insulting. Whose problem is that?
Will and Understanding Work Together
Before you answer, remember what the Writings say about the vital importance of the conjunction of the will with the understanding, so that real uses can be performed. We surely can be saved and get to heaven based on our good intentions, but in the end, where knowledge has been lacking, this can only occur after a period of instruction in the spiritual world. Meanwhile, in this world, in order to serve others well, it is imperative that we know and understand what we are doing, including its possible impact on others. In other words, we need to be able to anticipate the outcome of what we say or do, and that requires two things, education and an abiding sense of humility.
This is not a novel concept. All commercial advertising, for instance, is premised on this principle: how can we come across to potential customers in ways that will make our product or service attractive to them? So, in preparing an ad, the writer or producer will first think carefully about what the prospects might be willing and able to hear, and then try VERY hard to set aside any personal bias about what approach seems smart to the company. The same applies to the product or service itself. It’s all very good to have a fine idea, but if people don’t see it that way then it’s all for naught. After all, as a colleague once put it, you can make the best dog food in the world, but if the dogs don’t like it, you’re not going to sell much of it.
Likewise, a young man seeking the attention of a young woman will take care to consider how he comes across to her. He will not just blurt out anything that comes into his head, but he will present himself to her in ways that he thinks that will appeal to her, and he will try hard not to do anything that might upset her, make her nervous, or drive her away.
Since racism is such a hot topic these days, let’s pursue it a little further – as another illustration. Many people evidently don’t know that centuries of legislation right up until recent decades, included laws that effectively perpetuated segregation of blacks in low-income neighborhoods with low civic budgets for education and many other services, and these neighborhoods in turn were red-lined by lending institutions as bad places to offer mortgage loans. The result was not just segregation but an almost hopeless perpetuation of black poverty, since one of the primary ways people gain financial equity is through home ownership.
This is not to suggest that anyone hearing this sermon is to blame for that situation, but it’s a fact of life that influences all our impressions of our neighbors (and theirs of us), whether we realize it or not. So we all need to be very careful about any assumptions we might make about whether someone knows enough, cares enough, or has tried hard enough to be successful, and whether or not some systemic bias has provided advantages to some over others. Learning about all this will inform our speech and actions in ways that can build community through mutual respect – provided that we hold the information with humility and a willingness to understand.
Practical Considerations
This all raises the issue of self-examination, one of the key steps in our spiritual growth or regeneration. But – and this is important – whereas we often think about this as a process of examining our motives and trying to discover and ask the Lord to improve our ruling loves, there’s another side to it that would be easy to neglect, and that is the business of examining the effect our speech or actions have on others. Now, this is complicated, but really no more – nor less – difficult than looking at our motives. Of course we can’t control what other people think of us, or of what we say or do, but we can at least observe the impact we have on them and consider whether we may have some responsibility for that reaction.
Seeing that it is often very difficult for us to recognize our own faults – or even our accomplishments – objectively, it is also important for us to learn how to accept the counsel of others about that impact. As we all know, this can be embarrassing, and a very natural response to anything negative is to become defensive, to make excuses, or to try to explain why our words or actions may have been misunderstood. Sometimes this can be really helpful, but sometimes it can just make matters worse by implying that there’s something wrong with the other person involved, putting him or her on the defensive and so increasing rather than decreasing the stress and concern. In fact, getting back to race relations, this may be one of the big problems we’re facing in America today. But it also applies in our everyday lives at home, at work and in the church.
To combat this risk one of the best things we can do is simply, calmly, as dispassionately as possible, ask a lot of questions. Perhaps surprisingly, this is one of the things that is clearly implied in our second lesson about how to deal with someone who offends us. First of all, if we are to go and tell a person his (or her) faults, that means that when we offend, we must be prepared to hear their complaints. But something else that most people don’t realize is that the word, tell, in this lesson, which can also be translated show, or, point out, is closely related to a word that means to examine or to question. The point is, when we go to a person to complain about some offense, our position should be one that invites a dialog, a mutual consideration of what has happened so that we can gain back a “brother,” that is, a relationship of love and respect.
But the really important thing is that when we are on the receiving end of this confrontation we need to be prepared to listen, and not just hear the initial complaint, but give the extra garment, go the extra mile, and inquire further as to what else might be involved. “Can I ask what you mean by [this or that]? Is there anything more you’d like to tell me, that might help me understand this better?” Or “Is there anything I can do now to make this better?” The farther back we can go into the history of the issue the better we will be able to understand the context and our own role in the problem. That said, when we are confronted it’s important that we simply apologize, and not try to make excuses or explain ourselves unless we are clearly invited to do so. If we do it may send the message that we’re more concerned about ourselves than about the other person, or that we don’t value his or her input. This is part of the problem referred to in our lesson today from Heaven and Hell, namely, that we can’t know our faults if we are full of ourselves, but if we are willing, we can know them from others. The problem is, we are all naturally full of ourselves, and we need help to get over it.
All this may seem pretty intense, and, yes, of course it is. Which is why we need to choose the appropriate time and place to have such conversations. Choosing a time also gives us an opportunity to reflect in preparation, and not come on with too much anger or resentment. It also gives us a chance to pray for the other person, which the Lord has pointedly told us we must do even for our enemies and those who persecute us.
Why What Others Think of Us Matters
No doubt one reason for saying that what others think of us is NOT our business is the concern about hypocrisy. We all know we should not be putting on a show for the purpose of misleading people, and by the same token we need to have some confidence that others will have the integrity to see our words and actions in the larger context of our lives, and not judge us for some unintended slight. But if what others think of us truly is “none of our business,” how can we escape the idea that nothing we say or do really matters to anyone but ourselves?
In fact, nothing could be much clearer in the letter of the Word and in the Writings for the New Church than this: what other people think of us does matter, and we have a responsibility to help them think about us charitably. Why? Because true charity is not just love for the neighbor, it is love for the good in the neighbor, and so in order to facilitate that love we have to present something worthy of it. This is what the parable of the good Samaritan is all about: the story in Luke, chapter 10 is about loving one’s neighbor, and was told in answer to the cynical question, “But who is my neighbor?” The Lord’s response was that it was not the robbery victim, but the Samaritan who helped the robbery victim who was the neighbor to be loved. In saying this He was not at all suggesting that we should not help those who suffer misfortune, rather, just the opposite: He was saying that when we do something truly helpful we become loveable. And this inspires everyone.
It is often said that it’s important not just that justice be done, but that it be seen to be done. But again, why? Well, one simple reason is that we all have a natural tendency to judge situations by appearances, and it’s just not fair to expect or demand that other people overcome this in order to get along with us, especially knowing that we have the very same tendency. In any case we can’t control them, we can only try to inspire them, and we do that mainly by doing our own work to make our speech and actions reflect a genuine state of charity.
It’s all very well to say that we should assume the best of one another, but when we send signals – even unintentionally – that can easily mislead, we show a dangerous disregard for other people’s feelings. This can even include misguided humor. Obviously, what’s funny to one person may be confusing at best, and quite possibly hurtful to another. – Not that we can’t have some fun with each other, but we need to be careful, especially when crossing linguistic or cultural or even gender boundaries.
In the end, taking care for another person’s thoughts and feelings reflects a real concern for a number of the moral virtues listed in the heavenly doctrines, including modesty, sincerity, courtesy, generosity and prudence, among others (CL #164). It lets the Lord’s light shine through us, it builds trust and a sense of community through unambiguous communication, and it makes real co-operation possible. But most of all it reflects the humility that recognizes: we have a LOT to learn about others AND ourselves, we do not live in isolation from others, we are not perfect communicators, and in order for civil society to work we need to cultivate mutual understanding.
And again, this is hard work! Our pride and sense of self can easily get in the way, even when we’re not conscious of it. But doing it is important. In fact our lives depend on it.
Speaking of life, remember Cain’s reply when the Lord asked him about Abel, whom he had just killed? He said - and it wasn’t really a question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9). In the spiritual sense this passage shows that faith at that time despised charity and did not wish to serve it (AC #370-372). And so it is in our lives today when we think we know the truth, but we have no patience or concern for helping other people see it, or for their sensitivity about our speech and actions. In short, the lesson is that what other people think of us is very much our business, as is what we think of them, for without the sincere effort to promote mutual respect and understanding society as we know it breaks down, and there can be no heavenly life.
Amen.
Lessons: Genesis 4:1-13
Matthew 18:1-20
Heaven and Hell #487 (see next page)
Heaven and Hell #487
“Only from a knowledge of correspondences can it be known into what spiritual delights everyone's natural delights are changed after death, and what kind of delights they are. In general, this knowledge teaches that nothing natural can exist without something spiritual corresponding to it. In particular, it teaches what it is that corresponds, and what kind of a thing it is. Therefore, anyone who has this knowledge can ascertain and know what his own state after death will be, if he only knows what his love is, and what its relation is to the universally ruling loves spoken of above, to which all loves have relation. But it is impossible for those who are in the love of self to know what their ruling love is, because they love what is their own, and call their evils goods; and the falsities to which they incline and by which they confirm their evils they call truths. And yet, if they were willing, they might know it from others who are wise, and who see what they themselves do not see. This, however, is impossible with those who are so enticed by the love of self that they spurn all teaching of the wise.
“On the other hand, those who are in heavenly love accept instruction, and as soon as they are brought into the evils into which they were born, they see them from truths, for truths make evils manifest. From truth which is from good anyone can see evil and its falsity; but from evil none can see what is good and true; and for the reason that falsities of evil are darkness and correspond to darkness; consequently, those who are in falsities from evil are like the blind, not seeing the things that are in light, but shunning them instead like owls. But as truths from good are light, and correspond to light (see above, n. 126-134), so those who are in truths from good have sight and open eyes, and discern the things that pertain to light and shade.
“This, too, has been proved to me (Swedenborg) by experience. The angels in heaven both see and perceive the evils and falsities that sometimes arise in themselves, also the evils and falsities in spirits in the world of spirits who are connected with the hells, although the spirits themselves are unable to see their own evils and falsities. Such spirits have no comprehension of the good of heavenly love, of conscience, of honesty and justice, except such as is done for the sake of self; neither of what it is to be led by the Lord. They say that such things do not exist, and thus are of no account. All these things have been said to the intent that a person may examine himself and may recognize his love by his delights; and thus, so far as he can make it out from a knowledge of correspondences, may know the state of his life after death.”
A Prayer for this Service
Heavenly Father, grant that we may truly recognize and honor You as the source of all the good in our lives, and the one who alone can show us the way to lasting peace and blessing. Teach us, we pray, about ourselves, and what we can do to receive a little more perfectly each day the love and wisdom You provide for us – directly through Your Word and indirectly through the people You send to help us. Grant that we may be patient and genuinely thoughtful of those around us, that we may serve them well as an expression of our love for You.
Amen.